Lost
by BeneaththeWords
Summary: He'd want her to keep fighting for something, to keep living, but this wasn't living. Not when the one thing she was living for was now taken from her and the last light she had finally burned out. It wasn't okay, and would never be again, but this time she would let the world win and she'd not have to feel anything at all, and then that, and only that, would be okay.


**Inspired by Metaphorically's Not so Alone.**

* * *

She wondered how a sun could still shine in a world that was filled with the darkest of creatures and the saddest of souls. It mocked her every step, as though it knew what she was feeling, but felt empowered, because it knew it would always shine bright no matter the circumstances.

No one knew what she was feeling.

She never questioned it before, because it granted her a light of her own, but now that light had burned out. Nothing could replace it, nothing could weave the hole in her heart, and nothing could sew back together her hope that was torn to threads.

More or less, because she had no hope and she did not want it back, unless it came in the form of her light pouring back in through the shadows.

That's all that was left now.

She wore the shadows like a cloak, not by choice, but because they would consume her regardless. She welcomed her burdens now without any resistance, because it brought her that much closer to the edge, and until now, she had been fighting it.

Not anymore, no. Today she would no longer have to suffer from this feeling that was starting to suffocate her, because now she wouldn't have to feel anything at all.

She would close the door on the cure and leave the world to its shattered state. She couldn't make it that far, anyways, not without her light to lead her.

A cure couldn't pick up the pieces when the cure itself was broken.

So she sat in a room that reflected her helplessness and came to the conclusion that the world had won, she did not care, because she didn't have him there to care about.

It was her fault, all her fault. She lead him to his doom and now it would all be in vain.

Guilt was the least of the pain, though, because the constant throb of realization that she would no longer be granted her light back was choking the life out of her.

In a way, being immune was a punishment, because she got to see everyone else she cared for meet their demise while she could never join them.

She had to live with it, and in turn not only be so hopelessly alone, but so lost that she didn't know what other place she could go besides the one that always seemed to be waiting.

He would want her to keep living, but this was not living. Not when your sorrows clawed at your back and blinded your steps. Not when even sleep wasn't a refuge. Not when there was no escape, but the escape of accepting your fate.

It would be a relief, one last burden lifted, even if the burden was what lead her straight to this fate.

She had forgotten what she was fighting for before their paths had even crossed, but she couldn't remember, because he was greater than anything she had ever been living for before.

The rotting wood resembled her crumbling mind, the faint smell of whiskey was just as strong as her wracking sobs, and even the piano's sweetest of sounds that sat against the staircase couldn't fill her empty heart.

She wishes now more than anything that she didn't have to feel anything, but even then she'd be lost and broken.

She'd drag herself as far as she had to, crawl across the Earth to find those Fireflies if it meant she could even just get one last eye roll from him, and if she was lucky, one last smile.

They were rare, but they made everything better.

It was wishful thinking. The Fireflies weren't the light and they never would be in her eyes. Nothing would be anymore.

She gives a broken smile to no one, because she's empty and lost, but she still forces the smallest of grins upon her face for him, because she's convinced herself that he's not only watching, but up there waiting.

Yet parts of her thinks he's up there with Sarah and Tess, and that he's so relieved that he doesn't have to fight anymore. She fears that she is a band aid to his wound that he has ripped off now that the pain is gone.

Not even time could heal this wound.

She starts humming a lullaby he used to sing to her when sleep didn't come easy, and she promises herself she'll never forget it, because it's the last thing she has left of him.

_"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine." _

Her voice is no more than a whisper and some of the words won't even form as the tears fall from her eyes.

_"You make me happy, when skies are gray,"_

To think she could still be happy was an insult. Who was happy in this world?

_"You'll never know dear, how much I love you_

_oh, please don't take my sunshine away"_

She remembers how she'll never get to hear him sing again.

She remembers that she'll never see him scoff at her jokes that she knew he secretly loved.

She remembers that she'll no longer be able to fix him and he'll never be able to fix her, because he was gone now, and she was lost.

She no longer remembers how to smile a genuine smile, because he won't be there to see it.

She no longer remembers the way one person could make you so happy, because when that person leaves they take that happiness with them.

She no longer remembers how to live, because fighting no longer seems worth it when she knows this time things won't get better.

So she'll press the gun to her forehead and whisper a sorry to the world, but mostly to him, because she let them both down.

Yet she can't pull the trigger, because she didn't believe him when he told her this wasn't the easy way out. She'll realize that ending her life wasn't the way the world won, but by making her so desperate and so sad and not letting her escape its grasp.

That is when the world has won.

She feels stripped of everything she has left to give to the world, but it keeps taking more and more, and each time she gets close to the end, it latches onto her tighter, not allowing her small finger to pull the trigger.

She curls up on the floor, lifeless and empty, and she wonders if she just lays there would she finally be okay.

"I miss you," She whispers, and she hopes he misses her, too.

She'll fall asleep and wither away in the old tavern until morning. She'll use her final thread of hope that in the morning things will be better, and a nightmare this bad couldn't be reality.

But she doesn't fear that it will be, because she has comfort clutched in her hand, and she knows this time she'll be able to do it, because the other side offers a sliver of light that is more than she could ever ask for.

_"Please don't take my sunshine away,"_

And as she softly sings that last line, she imagines him singing it along with her, guiding her back to him.

That way, she doesn't feel so lost.


End file.
